I Can Help You Fill Out Your Bracket. Using Personality Science.

I’m not going to dedicate many column inches to our play in the Big Ten Tournament for a few reasons. 1. I don’t have much to say about beating Illinois, which I was pretty certain we’d do. 2. I don’t have much to say about us losing to Wisconsin, which I wasn’t a bit surprised that we did. 3. I’ve never really cared that much about the Big Ten Tournament. 4. I’m as tired of talking about playing other Big Ten teams as Tom Izzo is of actually playing them. And 5. I don’t think they measure websites in column inches. Using an arcane reference as the measuring tool for something modern is pretty silly. Who’d measure something related to cars with a reference to horses?  That would just be nutty.

I also don’t want to look too far ahead. Let’s just take a moment to enjoy this. We’re the #1 seed in the East. Don’t it feel good?

OK. Good. We’ve reveled. Let’s talk about you. Or more specifically, the type of bracket you’re going to fill out. You can decide all on your own how deep a run you think New Mexico or Saint Louis will make. I’ll not quibble with you on your choices there. Reasonable people can disagree. But I’m going to help you decide if you have Indiana cutting down the nets in Atlanta (stipulation added after Senior Night: After a win).

My help is based on one assumption. You are an Indiana fan. I make this assumption because you are reading this. I know for a fact that I have some non-IU fan readers, and I can’t tell you what they’re thinking right now. I can’t even tell you what went wrong in their upbringing that made them not be IU fans, but it’s safe to say that it was something so shocking and horrible that it could have turned them into Batman.

So, assuming you are an IU fan. Let me present to you a personality profile quiz to help you determine how this whole journey will end.

1. Do you believe you are lovable?

2. Do you believe that you are being punished for something you have done in another life?

3. Do you think you deserve happiness?

4. Do think that the blind are reputed to possess sensitivities compensating for their lack of sight, even to the point of developing paranormal psychic powers.

5. Do you think, “Well what the hell does he know, he’s just an ignorant old man?”

6. Do you often think, “Ain’t nobody gonna pick up three filthy, unshaved hitch-hikers, and one of them a know-it-all that can’t keep his trap shut”.

7. Do you consider the lillies of goddamn field?

8. Do you think you were made to suffer, that it is your lot in life?

9. Are you easy, like Sunday morning?

10. When you see a beautiful sunset, do you catch yourself thinking, “I bet my accountant is boning me”?

If you answered Yes to the Odd number questions you will have Indiana winning it all this year, because you are generally a positive person who thinks that good things will happen to you if you just eat your vegetables, say your prayers and train every day.

If you answered Yes to the Even number questions, you will have Indiana losing early, because deep down, you kind of hate yourself and don’t think that you deserve to be happy, even for a moment, or the gypsy curse that gave you back your soul will be lifted returning you to your state as a ruthless, blood-sucking vampire that does not now, nor has ever, sparkled.

Only you can answer those questions for yourself. But I have provided for you the tools to make that decision, and also to go get some counseling, if needs be. Good luck to you.

I know which way I’m picking.

And if you’d like to compete against me and other Hoosiers, join the IndianaUniverse group over at ESPN.com.

 

Jeff Taylor