Let me start with a disclaimer, what I’m about to say in no way means that you are stupid, or that you shouldn’t like college football. I’m fully of the belief that anyone can enjoy any pastime you like, provided no one gets killed. Your enjoyment of World of Warcraft in no way impacts my life, so shine on you crazy diamond.
But know this.
College football is stupid.
It’s maybe the stupidest thing that’s ever been wildly popular. Here are some of the other contenders:
- Chia Pets
- The Macarena
- The air fresheners from the 1990s shaped like a crown that you could buy and put your 1986 Chevette to make it seem like you were a pimp.
Here are the facts, and they are not in dispute:
1. Games are stupid long
If you type “average len” into Google, the top three suggestions are “Average Length of a Baby,” “Average Length of a College Football Game,” and “Average Length of a Baseball Game.”
Let’s dispense with the first one right off the bat. People who are about to have a baby, Google EVERYTHING! I have no idea how people had babies before Google. You have a million questions, most of them at 3:00 am, and you NEED ANSWERS NOW! So, that one makes total sense.
College Football is the second item on that list which means that millions of people every day, open their Google Machines and think, “Dear God, when is this damn thing gonna be over?”
It beats baseball in the search results for two reasons, 1. It’s the offseason for baseball, and 2. People watching baseball just assume they’re going to die before each game ends, so they don’t bother with googling.
Do you know the answer?
3 Hours 23 Minutes.
First of all, that’s crazy, because these ridiculous things require that you block out at minimum 4.5 hours of your day to watch one of them.
Second, do you know how long four hours is?
Here’s a list of things you can do in four hours.
- Watch half a baseball game
- Fly from Chicago to Las Vegas
- Almost watch a Lord of the Rings movie
- Binge watch season 1 of Luther. Which you should do, by the way.
- Call your doctor after taking Cialis
- Play 18 holes of golf (not with me, it takes longer because I keep hitting it into the woods)
- Take the Da Vince Code Audio Tour of the Louvre. Four times.
- Cook a 16 lbs turkey
- Drive 4 miles in Atlanta Rush Hour Traffic if there’s .25 inches of snow
- Listen to 1/8th of the audio book of A Game of Thrones: A Song of Ice and Fire, Book 1
Four hours to watch a sporting event is stupid.
2. Bowl Games
Bowl games are stupid.
There are 40 of them.
They are sponsored by stores and restaurants you’ve never heard of.
Winning one means nothing.
Losing one means nothing.
You qualify to play in one if you ALMOST win half your games.
And until last year, the National Champion was chosen by a computer program and a vote by some people. And 10 years ago, you could have two national champions who never played against each other in the same year.
But the dumbest part of bowl games. You finish the regular season, and then, depending on when you bowl game is, you don’t play again for 3-5 weeks. The only other sports schedule that comes close to this is Tiger Woods’ tournament schedule, post Thanksgiving Day 2009.
Related. The entire season is played in 2015, but the championship game is in 2016. I have no idea if that makes them the 2016 National Champion, or the 2015 National Champion, and regardless of the actual answer, an equally legitimate case could be made for the other position.
3. The Pinstripe Bowl
That’s right. This is about the IU v. Duke game from last night.
It’s the day after Christmas. You know what makes total sense?
Let’s have two traditional basketball powers play a football game in a baseball stadium.
4. Too High
You can kick a field goal that may or may not have been good, but no one can say for sure because it was too high. And you can’t review it, because it was too high.
But the rules don’t say the ball has to pass between the uprights and below an imaginary line drawn between the tops of the posts. The ball can sail through the uprights, 30-feet above the tops of the uprights, as long as it’s obviously between them.
You want to make it pass below that line to count? Connect the uprights at the top to make it a complete rectangle.
Then attach lasers to the uprights that shoot 300 feet into the air. It can be done. It’s not even that hard.
The notion that a totally meaningless game played in a baseball stadium four weeks after the end of the regular season between two basketball schools can be decided because the field goal was too high to be reviewable is stupid.
The Prosecution Rests